Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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