We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
