grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
