hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
