I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
