as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
