Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
