Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
