We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
