how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
