So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
