You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
