office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
