Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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