so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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