News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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