How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
