i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
