you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
