He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I will be naked everywhere
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
