Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
