i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The best revenge is premature balding
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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