Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
