The maid of honor just puked.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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