I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
