people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
