He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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