I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
