When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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