So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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