The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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