How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
