Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
