I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
