I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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