i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
