I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
