Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
