She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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