During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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