apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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