I cannot find my penis.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
