Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
