Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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