Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
