I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Randomize
