My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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