his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
