My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
