I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
