1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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