Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
